Remembering a Sister, Revisited

I've had an off week, no doubt partly because two days ago was the second anniversary of my sister Elizabeth's death. I wrote about her last June 24th, a year after she died. You can read that here.


I find this year what I remember the most is the gratitude I had for my Aunt Martha, and my two cousins, Martha and Emma. I've talked about angels along my life journey before, and they were -- not only for me, but for Elizabeth. I had never been at someone's deathbed before, so I was feeling apprehension, and when they walked in, it seemed they were carried in by Grace herself. They sang for Elizabeth, they loved her, they talked to her, and took such good care of her. I still breathe a prayer of thanks for them. 


My gratitude goes to Aunt Martha, Cousin Emma, and Cousin Martha for being there for Elizabeth in her last hours, and for being there for me, when I needed them the most.

From left to right: Elizabeth, Sister Susan, and Cousin Martha

Sister Susan, Elizabeth, myself, Aunt Martha, and Sister Sarah

Cousin Susie, myself, Sister Sarah, Niece Katie, Sister Susan, Cousin Emma

(Cousin Susie and Cousin Emma, on either ends are sisters)

(Niece Katie is Sister Susan's daughter)

I also give a prayer of thanks for all the people in Elizabeth's church community who came together and helped out. Losing a sister is intense, and it would have been even more so without the support of these key people. 

Interview on Freakonomics Radio

A little while ago, I had a really fun interview with Stephen Dubner, host of Freakonomics Radio for a segment named "The Upside of Quitting" that will be airing on WNYC in New York City on July 1 and at least sixty-five other stations in different parts of the country (at different times). Another former Amish woman, Emma Gingerich, was also interviewed for this show. You can check for a station near you on this map. 


If you don't find a radio station near you that will air Freakonomics, you can still listen to it on the Freakonomics website. 


Most of us know Freakonomics through Marketplace or the books Freakonomics and SuperFreakonomics, co-authored by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner. Now they are airing hour-long segments on the radio that "explore the hidden side of everything." I am very honored to have been interviewed for one of these segments. I just heard it for the first time tonight on the Freakonomics website.


I thought Stephen Dubner did a really good job, not only with interviewing quite a variety of people, but I liked his own commentary and the way he summed up the idea of quitting at the end.


Happy listening to people talking about the "upside of quitting."

Footprints in the Sand

I had so much fun yesterday! David and I went to Cape Cod to celebrate our birthdays (his was on Saturday, mine yesterday). I cannot believe it took me fifty-four years to make it to Cape Cod, especially since we have lived within three hours of it for the last three years. I am fairly sure that it will not take me that long to return there -- in fact I have several book talks scheduled in the next three months. 


When David and I were getting ready to leave, we couldn't help take pictures of the clematis that we bought two years ago for our birthdays. While we were at it, we also took pictures of roses that the former owner of the house had planted, and then we transplanted. She had lived here all her married life, and apparently she loved roses. And the hydrangeas that were planted before we moved here are also in bloom. 

Our birthday flowers are blooming

Here is with the wheelbarrow...

And here is without...

I could not decide which photo I like better -- the one with the wheelbarrow, or the one without. I'll take votes...

David and I left for the Cape around eight o' clock. We had our bikes on the bike rack and our ride was pleasant. I don't know if this is true for other people, but David and I tend to have some of our deepest conversations in the car. The day was beautiful -- sunny, a smattering of clouds across the sky, and the temperature was perfect. 

We got to the Cape around 11:30. We had seafood for lunch, then we drove to Wellfleet and left the car. We rode our bikes for twelve miles on the Rail Trail, which was really fun. David and I rediscovered our passion for biking together after I insisted on buying him a bike for his birthday last year. 

We went looking for the seashore after our bike ride. And we found it... first we found it from atop a high sand dune, and there was the ocean, spread out before us. I had to think of the words of Captain William Clark: "Ocean in view! O! the Joy! We are in view of the ocean!" Perhaps my joy at this view of the Atlantic yesterday is small compared to the joy for the people in the Lewis and Clark expedition, but it didn't feel small. The smell of salt in the air, the sea breezes blowing through our hair, the sound of the waves washing over the shore, and the ocean stretched out under the vast, blue sky was unbelievable. 

David and I took pictures of one another atop this dune. I wanted to ask someone to take a picture of the two of us together, but David wouldn't have it. Had I thought of the fact that it was my birthday at that moment, I would have talked him into it. But as it is, we have separate pictures of this moment.

A very typical David expression -- hard to capture on camera -- he can get goofy in front of the camera.

Talking about goofy...

We found another beach that was more accessible and that wasn't too crowded. David and I stood in one place for a while and let the waves wash over our feet. Then David went farther up the beach, and I stood there, mesmerized by the waves. I was in deep thought, looking right in front of me, not knowing that if I had picked up my gaze, I would have seen two seals swimming by. David got them on camera, one with its head out of the water. 

Seals (click to enlarge photo)

I love seals and dolphins, and I would so much have liked to get a close view of these seals. I did see them later, farther down the shore. This same thing happened some years ago when we took our boys to Nags Head for an April vacation. We were playing in the waves and squealing from the cold of the water. Later someone asked if we saw the dolphins swimming around us. I wonder why I've not been looking in the right place for those things I want most to see?

We walked alongside the waves for a while. I wondered at some point why David was lingering behind me. He was sneaking pictures of me. I thought for sure I would be deleting them, but the one below made me think about life in general, and so I kept it. 

Footprints in the sand

Footprints in the sand are temporary -- they only exist until the ocean waves come in and wash them away, one at a time, and then no one knows they were there. These footprints are like the memories that live in the minds of those whose lives we have touched when we leave this earth. Eventually these memories die also, one at a time, as those we loved also leave this earth. But the most beautiful thing about it is that there will be others making footprints in the sand...

The fact that my life on earth is temporary is humbling, especially now that I have lived more than half of it (unless I were to live to 109), but moments like yesterday at the beach make me catch my breath for the sheer beauty, gratitude, rapture of it all.

Do you have particularly memorable birthday experiences? I would love to know about them.

Amish Diversity

Michelle wrote: 


I'm a fairly new reader, I found your blog after a google search on celery. I've always been fascinated by the way the Amish live so lately I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. Since I haven't been able to find an answer, my big question is about celery. Why does it play such an important role surrounding marriage and what is it's symbolism?


Michelle, I didn't think it would take me this long to answer your question, especially because I can refer you to an earlier post in which I addressed this question: 

Amish and the Color Blue, Superstitions, and Celery at Weddings

Diversity is not usually a word we associate with the Amish, but I am realizing just how diverse the Amish are in their various communities. I did not even know that some Amish eat celery at weddings until after I left the Amish. I also never heard of "Amish Friendship Bread" and I'd never eaten a Shoo-Fly Pie until after I left. 

And this does not just apply to food. I had no idea that at least one Amish community didn't allow hardwood floors in their community until I read that on Mary Ann's blog. The community in Somerset, Pennsylvania is the only one I am aware of that has church buildings, where the community meets for church services, rather than meeting in people's homes (or sheds or barns).  

The rules of the church (Ordnung) vary quite a bit from one community to another. Besides such obvious things as the women's style of head coverings and and the style of buggies, there are such things as window coverings -- in my home community, we were not allowed to have shades, but in Lancaster and some other communities, they have to have green vinyl shades and as far as I know are not allowed to have curtains. And what is allowed on buggies in terms of lights, storm fronts, and gadgets, varies a great deal.

Another thing that varies greatly is the level of leeway the parents lend their young people when they are dating. No Amish parents I know literally give their young people a conscious choice about staying or leaving (contrary to common perception that rumspringa equals conscious choice), but some parents allow still give their young people a "longer rein" in some communities than they do in others. I know in some communities, the young people are required to join church before they are allowed to date. This allows the parents and elders to "rein in" their young people much more tightly.

One thing that I was really surprised by when I was doing my internship with Donald Kraybill (and he was just as surprised as I was) that the time period for "temporary shunning" varies from one community to another -- where I grew up, that time period is two weeks, but in Lancaster (and perhaps other communities, too) that time period is six weeks. 

I just realized that I've not addressed temporary shunning before. Normally there are several levels of church discipline to bring errant church members into compliance with the Ordnung. The first level is to make a public confession sitting before the bishop. The second is to kneel before the bishop. And the third is to be temporarily shunned, and then some weeks later, if with the proper show of contrition, the errant members makes a kneeling confession and is welcomed back into the church. 

So the Amish may not have too much diversity in terms of race or ethnicity, but they certainly do in terms of their rules, traditions, and beliefs. I am still learning just how much they do vary.

Freedom and Responsibility

Erik Wesner, of Amish America, brought up an interesting issue about Amish in Kentucky who are refusing to use the orange triangle on the backs of their buggies. Here is my opinion added to the mix:


With every freedom comes a responsibility. No car drivers have use of the roads, paid for by all, without obeying the rules of the road, so why should buggy drivers be allowed to use the road and ignore all safety precautions? In my opinion, the Amish should be choosing their issues -- the triangle is a trivial issue. If the government were to outlaw buggies because of safety issues, then perhaps they would have an issue. Having said this, I don't believe the triangle is going far enough. There is a huge difference in how visible buggies are from one community to another. When I was in Shipshewana, Indiana, I was appalled at how hard it was to see the buggies at night... and this in a "high" Amish group. In Geauga County, Ohio, the Amish have adopted LED lights, both flashing in the back and "headlights" in the front and there is reflector tape outlining the back of the buggy... in flat places, one can see a buggy from a mile away. Now it is up to car drivers to take the proper precautions and slow down. 


I once had an experience in my old neighborhood that outlines the issue by taking the Amish beliefs out of the equation. I was backing out of my driveway -- I'd looked both ways, but at the height of cars or someone walking. I was ready to back up, but intuition told me to look again... partly because I noticed a mother walking her baby in a stroller, and I knew she had two other children. Lo and behold, right behind my back tires, was a little toy car, driven by a five-year-old, and she had stopped right behind my back tire, barely visible in my rear-view mirror. Her little sister was in the "passenger" seat. Had I backed up, and hit those two little towheads, I would have felt guilty for the rest of my days, and probably had nightmares about it, too. And yet none of it would have been my fault... 


This is the side people don't take into account when they hear of a buggy accident, in which someone was hurt or killed. What about the person who was driving responsibly, and could not avoid the accident, simply because he or she could not see the buggy? That is as tragic for the car driver as it is for the people who were hurt -- how does one recover from such a thing? Sure, the Amish would forgive you, but could you forgive yourself? I know I would be saying "If only...." for the rest of my life. By chalking everything up to God's Will, we are not taking into account our own will and our sense of responsibility. In my mind acting responsibly is bringing our own will into alignment with God's. 


I wrote the other day, about the Amish ability to take what comes, and their sense of not taking life for granted. In my mind, for the "low" Amish to ignore safety precautions as they drive their buggies on the road is an example of taking this point of view to an extreme. I'm glad for all of us that most Amish have a more moderate approach to life and do take precautions and are responsible buggy drivers.

Amish and Health Care, Revisited

Sarah wrote: I'm not sure if you've talked about this topic, but I'm interested in knowing how the Amish view modern medicine. I've seen them in modern hospitals, and I also worked in a chiropractor's office where many of them visited. Do they have limits on what would take them to a medical facility versus seeking "natural remedies"? What about childbirth? Are they most likely to do home births, or do they deliver in hospitals?


Sarah, thank you for your questions. These are definitely questions that cannot be answered by using the phrase "the Amish," even less than we can say "Americans" when referring to health care decisions. 


To answer some of your questions, you can refer to my earlier post Amish and Health Care. 


Your question about childbirth is an interesting one, and I realize this is one of those I cannot answer because I've been out of the community for too long. I know I was born at an Amish midwife's house. At the time, there was an older single woman who was a midwife. She was the last of her kind in my home community, as far as I know. At the time I left, it was more common for women to have hospital births than home births, though I know some home births were not even attended by midwives. So it really varied. I don't know what the trend is in my home community at this point, and I know nothing about the preferences in other Amish communities at that time, now, or anytime in between.


Sorry that I cannot be more specific with answers to your questions. This is about the best I can do. Thanks, though, for asking.

Life, Tragedy, and Death -- The Amish Way

Kristina asked: What is the one thing that you would most like to convey to people, about the Amish, to those who are interested in or are praying for them?


Kristina, this is rather a tough question, because there are many things I want to convey about the Amish. David made a remark to someone at a book talk today, when he said, "Saloma likes to complicate people's view of the Amish." This is true in many ways -- I do want people to know that the Amish cannot possibly live up to the romanticized view that many people have of them. But there are also some things that I truly admire about them. 


Erik Wesner had asked a question on his blog the other day about whether Amish life is inherently more dangerous than that in the mainstream culture and he wrote about a tragic accident in which a baby died from falling out of a buggy. I think that the answer is yes, life among the Amish is more dangerous. But the Amish worldview is different about life in general -- most Amish I know accept death as part of life. They see everything -- even tragic accidents -- as God's Will. Because of this, they do not "settle in" to this life quite as comfortably as the mainstream culture. Rather, they see each day on earth as a gift granted by God. At first blush, this may seem like a cavalier attitude toward physical safety. However, the Amish don't seem to take life for granted as much as the rest of us tend to. In some ways, this makes them more resilient and self-reliant. If there is a tragedy, the community pulls together and they help each other out. So, rather than put their energy into making life "safe" they seem to be ready for whatever comes their way. There is strength in that, albeit a different kind than we normally recognize. 


I have come to the conclusion that taking something for granted is exactly the opposite of being grateful for something. I think the Amish can teach us something about being grateful for our lives and about accepting tragedy and death as part of life. Having said that, I cannot imagine going through what the parents of that 11-month old baby must be going through. I'm sure they could use our prayers.


Thanks, Kristina, for your question.

More Details of the Book Tour

Thank you all, for your good wishes about the book tour. It's always a bit hard to know how many details are too many about my book promotion, because the main focus of this blog is "About Amish," at least what I know about it having grown on in an Amish community. But your comments have inspired me to talk more about my trip and the various venues.

David and I had several adventures on this trip that we had not expected. Our first venue on Sunday was at the Whippanong Library, where a nice crowd of about 45 people showed up for the afternoon tea that the librarian, Sulekha, who was a wonderful host (we would yet find out just how wonderful) had coordinated. After the event, when we were saying thank you, Sulekha said if we ever need a place to stay in that area, we should call her and gave us her phone number. David and I thought that was very nice of her, but we had already made plans, and we said good-bye to her before heading over to our friends', where we were planning on staying the night. We found a note on the door that let us know there had been a medical emergency (which turned out fine, thank goodness). We decided to go have some dinner at a restaurant we knew about in Mendham, New Jersey and talk about what to do from there. Just before this trip, we had signed up for "Mennonite Your Way," and we thought about calling someone on the list. Then I said to David, "You know what's weird -- the librarian said we should call her if we need a place to stay." 

A long story short, David and I enjoyed our evening in Sulekha and her husband's home. She made excellent Indian Chai, and we talked about our different cultures -- they both grew up in India. We had a comfortable night's sleep in their wonderful home and by the time we headed out the next morning, we felt that everything happened just as it should have. 

On Tuesday, David and I had lunch with Lynn Kimmerle, and then I did a talk at the Chester Library. That was a more intimate audience than I've had yet, with seventeen people. One of the things I enjoy most about talking in libraries is that I get to meet the librarians, who I find a congenial group of people as a whole. I enjoyed meeting Mary Murphy, who coordinated this event, who was a pleasant host. Sometimes it's nice to have a smaller audience, because then everyone who has questions gets a chance to ask them. We returned to Lynn's house for overnight. Lynn and I talked until 3 o'clock AM -- something I haven't done for years. (She remarked that we are both old enough to know better).

On Wednesday, we went and visited our friends, Pat and John Anderson, who I first met when I was still Amish. I stayed at their home for several nights when I took a New England trip, and their daughter, who was in fifth grade, took me to her class for "show and tell." I subsequently left the Amish, less than a month after my visit with them and we lost touch for 33 years. Then they found me after my book was published. They have kindly hosted us several times when we were in New Jersey on tour. We look forward to hosting them at our house this summer. There are only a few people I knew when I was Amish with whom I am in touch with now. John and Pat Anderson are two of them. I feel very fortunate to have this connection, and David has really enjoyed getting to know them.

Wednesday night we had our largest crowd for the week, at the Warren Township Library. Marcela Dunham contacted me through Lynn Kimmerle some months ago, and she did a phenomenal job of promoting this event, so that she ended up with a full house (67 people). I was very impressed with Marcela's dedication, especially when she said she was going to call everyone on her sign-up list, to let them know that there were people on a waiting list to get in and that if they were not coming, to let her know. She had also been proactive in letting me know what she thought her patrons would want to know about, so I tailored my talk to include the topics she suggested. Judging by the comments and questions people asked, she was a good judge of what her patrons like. To add to her dedication, Marcela sent me an email with feedback and pictures. Below is a photo that shows a large part of the audience. 

Talk at Warren Township Library in New Jersey

Marcela kindly wrote: "Our patrons at the Warren Library enjoyed your talk tremendously, and are still talking about it.  Apparently some people congregated outside the library after your talk, still discussing the information you provided. It was informative and fascinating. Since then, every time I meet one of the attendees they tell me that it was one of my best programs!!"

On Thursday, I did two talks -- one at Marion Manor for a book club. Frances Larkey, the events coordinator at the Caldwell Public Library, set up this talk. She thought we would have about 12 people show up, but more like 36 showed up for the talk. Then Frances took us out for a very enjoyable meal and chat before my talk at the Caldwell Public Library. Between 35 and 40 people showed up for that talk. I had a very pleasant surprise while setting up for the talk. I normally put on a CD of Amish church singing, as people are arriving. In this case, a woman was reading the New York Times, and suddenly she put down her paper and said, "Can you tell me what that music is?" I told her what it was, and she said it sounded just like the kind of singing that she grew up with at a Primitive Baptist Church, which I found fascinating. I invited her to give the audience a sampling of the singing she described, and she graciously did so -- and wow, what a powerful voice! Her name is Johnnie Jones Tucker, and she is a Gospel Singer/Songwriter/Writer/Poet. It was a pleasure to meet her.

Frances Larkey is another example of a librarian who is not only congenial, but she also went above and beyond. She was a gracious and enthusiastic host, who was fun and easy to talk with. And she had obviously done a super job of promoting the event, judging by the enthusiasm of the comments and questions and the number of people who showed up. 

I already mentioned the talk I did at the Lancaster Public Library, which was another great talk, with Sue Bowser as the host for that event. Another great job! David and I stayed overnight with the Wenger family in Lancaster for two nights. What a great family, and what fun their two daughters -- Anna and Naomi -- are! 

Our last event took place on Saturday afternoon at the Main Library in Arlington, Virginia, when 23 people showed up for my talk, including four friends from that area. It was a great group. We then enjoyed our evening with our friends, Tim and Anne Hunt. We had dinner out, then we sat by their water garden, and chatted until we saw our first fireflies of the season. 

So, one hearty thank you to all the wonderful librarians and hosts who helped make our tour a success last week. David and I are so grateful for all your kindnesses.